Divorce

My five-year-old daughter is hyper aware of divorce these days. In recent months three couples she knows rather well have decided to part ways or are struggling to decide whether or not they should stay together.

The other night between books she asked,"Why don't Callie's mom and dad live together?" She noticed Callie's mom dropping her off at her dad's, our neighbor's, house earlier that day.

Oh boy ... Deep breath ...

"Some times ... even mommies and daddies who love each other ... can't live together. Some times if parents argue or fight too much, it's better if they live apart. It's better for the mommy and the daddy and it's better for the kids."

"Sort of like aunt Nelly and uncle Martin?"

"Yes."

"Sort of like aunt Rory and Zeb?"

"Yes, except they weren't married, but yes, they broke up." (My aunt -- my daughter's great aunt -- recently separated from her long-term, live-in boyfriend.)

"Oh." She lets that marinate for a while. "You and daddy argue."

Another deep breath.

"Yes. Most mommies and daddies do argue from time to time. That's normal. It's one way people can work through things that are bothering them. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other. It doesn't mean we are going to get divorce. You don't need to worry about mommy and daddy getting divorced. Okay?"

"Okay. I know." She snuggles in and grabs *Goodnight Moon* from the pile before she says, "Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"I'm going to miss Zeb."

"I know. Zeb was a good friend. We probably won't be able to see him much anymore, but he's still your friend."

I take the book from her.

"Mommy?" she's not quite done yet.

"Yes?"

"I am not going to miss uncle Martin."

I stifle a laugh. What I want to say is "Neither will I," but I resist, and instead I say, "I know you didn't know Martin very well."

That seemed to be the end of it, but it wasn't.

My husband and I were able to go out for a bite to eat two nights later. I was relaying this story to him and as I got into it, he beginning chuckling.

"What?"

"Nothing ... Keep going," he said.

So I finished the story, and he then revealed the source of his laughter. He said, "She nearly repeated most of what you use just said verbatim to Callie today when they were out swinging."

"What?"

"She told Callie, 'Your mom and dad don't live together because they might've been fighting too much. That doesn't mean they don't love each other. My mommy and daddy argue all the time, but they're NEVER getting divorced."

So, now I'm wondering, who else has heard the story about our home life and who else has received an analysis of their homelife via my five-year-old.

But divorce is so prevalent any more. My sister-in-law, A.K.A. aunt Nelly, was telling me how since she filed for divorce about two months ago, two of her closest friends have also filed. One of the friend's soon-to-be-ex-husband pointed out that he felt like his wife was filing for divorce because she's seen the glamour of Nelly's life since separating from Martin. He may have a point. Marriage is a struggle. Single life may be more attractive ... for the first year or so. That glamour simply can't last, unless you are independently wealthy or you have a means of support. Many women are financially devastated after a divorce. My sister-in-law is lucky in that she has familial support. Is she leading a life of glamour? I think she's living a much better life than she was when she was married, but I think her friend's husband is looking for an excuse for why his wife left him.

It seems like kids are used to divorce now too. Callie and her friend Hunter have been hanging out in my front yard quite a bit lately. My husband was out of town for a week for a conference. Hunter took note of his absence after three days. She said, "HEY! Where does her (she pointed to my daughter) dad live now?"

"What do you mean?" I was perplexed.

"Where does he live now? He's not here."

"He's just on a trip honey ... He'll be back on Friday night."

"Oh."

It's sad to me that a male's absence for slightly more than 48 hours signals to her that he has left permanently. What must this say about what she knows?

When I was younger a couple of my friends' parents were divorced and it seemed so strange. The concept of staying with your dad on the weekends and visiting him on Thursday nights seemed like such a hassle. Now, I think my kids' friends may find it strange that our daughters have married parents. We may become a novelty. I hope not, but I do plan on staying married forever, even if it's not the most popular trend these days ... though I do realize most people do not PLAN to get divorced.

Note: This entry is crossposted at the Independent Blogger's Alliance.