My Age + 99

I enrolled my daughter in a reading program this summer. I attend the classes with her. Today, she told the class that I was 130 years old.

I Know!

Lately, everything my husband or I say to our daughters is met with the response of "I know!" I don't care if my husband says something like "Green magnesium protein, is a sporadicly zinc-enriched protein insulated from coelenterates, in the case of the grand walabeast," the response will be, "I know!"

They know everything.

You haven't fed the dog today!
I know!

Your hair is really messy.
I know!

You can't jump off of that couch.
I know!

Don't eat that pebble!
I know.

Tornado!
I know!

I like this sandwich.
I know!

You look like a crazed lunatic in that grim reaper suit.
I know!

Has anyone else had this experience? The strange thing is that our daughter are twelve and five, so it's not an age-exclusive phase. I think most of it is mimicry in the case of our five-year-old and pre-puberty for the twelve-year-old, but sheesh! If they know everything, what am I here for?

Shock Collar

Well ... My neighbor was just out on his newly refurbished deck (two planks of ply wood to patch up the gaping hole from where he tore his dilapitated stairway down.) My dog was out barking ... as usual ... because for some reason, he just doesn't like that neighbor. Hmmmm. I doubt it has anything to do with the fact that my husband has caught the neighbor spraying our dog with water a couple of times, not to mention cursing at him under his breath while he pretends to do yardwork.

We have some other neighbors who were setting up some sort of tent for an out-of-doors party and so I was out there trying to wrangle Edgar into the house. I had succumbed to luring him in to the house with treats because he just wouldn't come this time. He's a slippery bugger. Anyway, I hear this, broadcasting from the 5 X 5' deck next door, "I can get you a shock collar. You can borrow it. You can zap 'im every time he barks ... just nail 'im."

Uhhh.

Uhhh.

"No. That's okay. I have a student whose stepdad tried a shock collar on one time, to see how it felt and he said it hurt like hell."

"Well, does your student's stepfather have a bunch of fur around his neck? I'm mean .. it'll git 'im, it'll shock 'im, but it won't damage 'im or nothin'. It's not abuse. It's made for dogs not people. It's like a cattle prod."

AAAH. A cattle prod ... Is that all?

He continued, "All I know is that if you keep givin' 'im treats when he barks, he's just thinkin' 'Ah! I'm a good boy!' I do have dog-handling experience, you know."

Here's is what I said: "Oh, yeah. That's makes sense. This is just sort of a one-time thing for immediate action. Thanks man ... I hope your arm feels better." (It's broken.)

Here is what I WANTED to say, but allowed this tirade to remain tucked neatly inside my head, probably where it belongs ... I don't know: "Really. Thank you for the advice. Since you feel entitled to bark dog-rearing advice from atop your grand palace's ... deck, then I feel entitled to give you some parenting and lifestyle advice from down here on Earth. Let's start with giving your 12-year-old and 7-year-old daughters a reasonable curfew ... midnight's a bit late for them to be roaming unsupervised, especially since they like to shreik and carry-on while outside. Also, I try to not judge those adults who choose to relax in ways that may or may not be legal from time to time, but when clouds of ditchweed smoke float from your window to my front yard, on a daily basis, my judgement hackles do tend to rise, particularly when I know your children are in the house with you. My second peice of advice is to cut down on the greens, at least while your children are in your care. And finally, your little daughter was over here the other day and she was complaining that her daddy doesn't have any food in the house. I offered to make her a sandwich but she said she was going to her mom's house in a few minutes and would be able to eat there. I noticed that you always have a trash can (not recycling bin, I also noticed) full of beer cans. My third peice of advice is to regularly invest in nutritious food for your children in place of the case of beer that apparently currently takes precedence. Oh, and by the way ... What is it that you do for a living?"

In the words of Atticus Finch, I'm pretty sure he "buys cotton."

Don't judge, lest ye be judged.

I honestly try not to judge anyone, but when you live next to someone who lives the way this man lives, it's hard to bite one's tongue. But I do.

First Date?

All righty then moms. Weigh in on this one.

Tonight, I took my daughter to the fair with her boy friend. Not her boyfriend, but her friend who is a boy. They are both twelve. Pesky little sis was along too. There were no shenanigans or sneaking off to be alone for even a moment, but is that weird? They are only twelve and yes they are only friends, but I could see that twinkle in her friend's eye that said ... I want to take the space outta boy friend. My husband, who was in fact, at one point, a twelve-year-old boy says no way is that kid a friend ... he's a beast waiting to pounce the minute he has a chance. But I think it's good that she can maintain a friendship at this age. I was petrified of boys until I started dating my boyfriend when I was about 14. I had that same boyfriend (with one brief break-up where we both dated other people) until I was 18. We broke up one day before our daughter was born ... so I think I was still petrified of boys, even then. If only I had known then what I know now ... Boys aren't scary, unless you give them that power. But my daughter seems A. oblivious to the boy's obvious interest in being more than friends and B. totally comfortable being herself, so I feel like as long as there's some heavy supervision going on, it's okay.

We watched fire works, ate cotton candy, watched people make fools of themselves in a karaoke contest and I figure with mom and baby sis along, what could've happened, right?

Right?